the sound of being alone

Silence. The sound of being alone doesn't have a sound. It has a silence. There is a difference.

A crowded room, full of unfamiliar faces.

Entering a large bright bustling store for the first time, not knowing which direction to go.

Stuck in traffic, unable to move.

All of these have a silence, although they are not silent.

Walking through woods, surrounded by tall pines.

The emptiness, of whatever ails your mind.

Not being able to hear, or process information fast enough.

Silence, the sound of being alone.

I imagine early stages of Dementia includes all of the above feelings of silence, and more. It is heart wrenching to witness and interact with. 

Yes, the horses are out.

No, our horses don't get cold being outside.

I wake up early because that is when my mind wakes up.

Every conversation is a new conversation, repeated and repeated with patience. Lots and lots of patience.

All common, all silencing.

To the core.

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My 87 year old mother finally agreed to stay with us for the first time ever, for 12 days. The family member she lives with went on vacation. It saved me a lot of daily travel to check on her, and gave me peace of mind for her well-being in the coldest winter months. It was a challenging game changer, that got both easier and harder with each passing day. An absolute blessing to spend time with my mom alone. Who knows how many days she has left, or any of us have left for that matter. 

I cherished all of the moments, and most of the time. Let's be honest I longed for my routine, and not being questioned why I am doing absolutely everything and anything. Over and over. My body and mind really missed exercising. My patience was put to the test. I took a lot of deep breathes and pauses, and thankfully kept it all together and passed. Brad was wonderful and listened to more than his fair share of exasperation on the side. In true form, my sweet mom was been the easiest most "go with the flow" person to care for. I love my mom with my whole heart!!

me & mom having fun with filters 
1-26-2020

I hope she enjoyed a peaceful country change of lifestyle. If nothing else as a break from the turmoil of her daily life, living with the most negative person I know. Even if she doesn't remember much of it, or at all. There were no arguments, yelling, or being told what/when/how to do every and any thing. At times she still needed direction, but without condescending micromanaging she absolutely shined! Waking bright eyed and bushy tailed, on her own chosen timeline. She got dressed with hearing aids on, ready for her coffee and breakfast earlier and earlier as the days passed - without being asked.

Never before has it become so apparent to me, that we are products of our environment. 

My mom said she was glad she came to stay with us, and could see how happy I am. On the last day of her visit, she asked if she could stay. Did she have to leave? Yes, she did. Her other child was asking about her, but my mom has been and always will be welcome in our home. Multiple times I heard "I will have to come back and spend some weekends with you guys". She most likely won't, because I know my mom will fall back into her old routine.

My hope is my mom remembers the feeling of choice, loving patience and the sound of not being alone - even when it was quiet.

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In closing: This very personal post was written over a month ago, before the world shut down. SO many are struggling with "social distancing" in this new era we find ourselves in. I am hopeful those with heart, that are actually doing the right thing, truly feel the self fulfilling awareness that comes from being alone. Especially when the world has gone quiet. 

reality check

In the midst of doing our dreaded weekly multi store grocery shopping, Brad called. He was home early from work. That was odd. Found out his back locked up. He couldn't bend at all, and had no clue why/what caused it. Oh boy!! It's been years, but last time this happened to him he was completely out of commission. I opted out of non-essential shopping and made the long 45 minute drive home. I found him on the couch, where he pretty much stayed for 3-4 looong days. Other then Urgent Care & bathroom breaks. Extremely unusual for my hard working guy.

I made what felt like 100 rushed trips carrying groceries in, put perishables away and promptly went to bring horses in by myself. I was on forward march. It was later then usual, dark and cold out. Neither of our boys like being brought in last. I usually bring one in and Brad grabs the other two. I don't care for squeezing two horses and myself through a human sized door maze in the Winter. I either bring them in one at a time, or open the sliding door (brrrr!) in the order of whomever is waiting at the gate. 

After our boys bucking craze simmered, I brought in Koda. Then Harmony, which made Nemo mad! I took his girl without him, and his human was MIA!! More antics. I stood patiently at the gate and talked to Nemo, until he decided to be the horse I needed him to be. Calm. The rest of the time Brad was flat on his back, turn-in/out went smooth. Horses seem to figure things out pretty quickly. They were good as gold for me and came in one by one, without throwing tantrums. It's almost like they knew... What a difference it makes to take one person out of the routine! I know you are all thinking three horses, big deal. Well, it is for me!!

Winter mornings chores go something like this: grain, haul 1-2 bales down to the pasture (the feeder can arrive any day now...), turn-out, pick stalls, wheel barrel to bobcat, dump and attempt to not miss bucket (ha!) unplug & start frozen bobcat, do houdini moves getting in/out while dressed in layers, hoping I don't face-plant while balancing on icy metal edges, yelling at asking grand dogs to stop eating every frozen horse turd on earth, temporarily warm up in saloon, put dogs in stall/saloon (cuz dogs & bobcats don't mix) while hauling to pile. I am sooo thankful for the bobcat from Brad's work, we get to use it seasonally. Then I try to not get stuck on the ice and snow, do more houdini moves, haul more hay over to fill hay bags, oops forgot knife (another trip), haul step stool to each stall (cuz I'm too damn short & it's the only way I can hang heavy hay bags with my injured shoulder) attempt to not get hay all over me (always), refresh waterers, sprinkle PDZ (LOVE that stuff, thanks Arline!!) haul bags of shavings when needed, oops forgot knife again (trip #999) fluff stalls, somewhere along the way I let the dogs out so I can say "get out" 100 more times, get two brooms and one shovel, sweep aisle around two dogs, put everything away and head into house to drop for breakfast 'er early lunch, and thaw my toes.

Did I mention we had two snow storms during this time? Well, we did. Add shoveling two large porches, and front of garage to the above. It made for long days. I also attempted to plow with the bobcat for the first time ever. It went okay, but I was very thankful when our son came out to help us. Love that kid! He did the majority of plowing our very long driveway & paths!!

Nobody plans on caring for a homestead alone, at least not this girl!!! Talk about a reality check...I think I said "no more horses" every single day Brad was down & out. 

I truly love my life and wouldn't trade it for the world, however no one is more thrilled then me to say Brad is back at it. His back is not 100%, but getting better every day. Whew!!!

winter pastures