Hay was being delivered on a semi, tractors were unloading, staff was working double time, feeding was late, horses displaced in the arena & round pen, high energy scattered everywhere. Even the kid lesson horse being walked in from the pasture was set off by the commotion. That should have been my clue, but I didn't feel part of the chaos and carried on with my usual daily lame care routine. Groom, wash rear/legs, walk...and then it happened. I've known all along this whole stall rest thing would be our demise, just based on Koda's personality & our history, but never once in a million years did I think it would be in hand.
I chose to do our 15 minute walk in the outdoor arena, so we would be out of the way. Not one sign of "it" creeping in, or I would have waited to walk Koda. Everything in our routine so far felt normal, honestly wasn't the least bit concerned. We got mid-arena, and everything that happened after that replays in my head (over and over) like a slow motion movie...
Nemo & Charlie (turn out buddy) were about to be brought in. Their pasture borders the far end of the outdoor arena. Charlie was taken out first and instantly got himself in trouble. Koda's ears went on high alert. I reminded Koda he was with me, and tried to continue our daily walk. Nemo started racing the fence and frantically calling out. It was then that we turned around to head out of the arena. Thinking it was best to walk Koda back to his stall and wait for things to settle down. Wish I knew what Nemo was
I wasn't sure if he was going to run me over as we walked out of the arena, at that point I was no longer calm. Koda was about to blow, and he did. Thankfully he waited until we got through the gate. He pulled away fast and hard, rearing up, feet paddling at me, trying to get away, going backwards, as I hung on trying to stop him from taking off and injuring himself further. This happened not once, but twice, all in a nano second. I tried getting him to calm down & graze (yah, right). At this stunned point, I was shaken and knew Koda wasn't coming back to me anytime soon. I could see & feel him thinking about his next evasive move. He wanted to be with Nemo and away from the scary things, including me. My instinct was to face him towards the arena fence to try and calm his elevated madness (no I didn't trap him, I was giving him a boundary).
At that point Charlie had been put away, and I asked the kind employee for help. She saw the whole thing and brought a lead with chain, saying "wow, that was pretty bad"...no arguments there. I asked if she felt okay putting Koda away, my nerves were completely shot. She does his morning walks and led a confused, prancing high off the ground, Koda back to his stall.
What the H just happened? I've never seen Koda act like that, not even as a yearling...
I began putting away my tack, shell shocked, stripped finger dripping blood, as our trainer approached. Let's just say we had words, the kind that don't help. In many ways I know she is right. But if he has to be walked with a chain, in my eyes there is a problem. I refuse to tiptoe around my horse. I know he is an animal. I know he is stalled. I know the surrounding energy was off the charts. I know I got scared. I also know there are always options. Don't tell me there aren't. Unfortunately we are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he is 40 minutes away (one way).
After seven years of trials & tribulations, we failed as a team. Again. I'm extremely disappointed (and sad) Koda didn't trust me enough to get him/us out of a sticky situation. We've slid down muddy hillsides, ridden them sideways, crossed raging rivers, leaped boulders etc...there isn't a single thing I would have done different. Therefore, I'm done. Of course I am also disappointed that I allowed myself to feel scared, but uncontrolled energy scares me. It's my reality. And this my friends, brought on the changing of the guards. I feel I am not the best person for Koda at this time, possibly ever. Most of the time we are fine, but it's simply not worth the risk. I don't want him to re-injure himself (or me) so I've stopped walking him. Pathetic, but true.
Not sure what the future holds. I firmly believe if you can't handle a horse on the ground, you best not be getting on it's back. If your thinking it, replacing Koda wouldn't solve anything. He is a great horse, and part of our permanent family. Seriously considering throwing in the towel. Some things are just not meant to be. It's been tough since the changing of the guards, doing lotsa soul searching...
My sweet hubby didn't hesitate to step up to help with Koda's daily needs and while I'm very thankful, I feel terrible. It's a gigantic time commitment. At Koda's five week vet recheck, Brad said he was clearly still lame at a trot (in hand). Four more weeks of stall rest before another recheck...
Incase you are wondering, Koda is now being walked with a lead chain. Know that I'm not against them perse, they are definitely a safety tool when used properly. It's just such a shame, the whole damn thing. This is going to be a long drawn out process for everyone, especially Koda. Poor baby :(
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| my beautiful boy |
5 comments:
I don't envy you your predicament. This is where I was with Delia, the difference being that I didn't have an emotional attachment to her and it was easy to let her go.
You have an unsound, emotionally charged horse, one that you don't trust and he doesn't trust you. Not a good situation at all. The good memories won't help you to bring back a good relationship with him.
Being that far away doesn't help either. I feel for you.
It's definitely a predicament. Brad ensures me to trust him that we will get through this. Koda tries shenanigans with everybody, it's part of his "clown" type personality. He doesn't test with just me, the difference is I am not as resilient. I just can't seem to climb the highest mountain...writing this post was sooo hard but it's part of my processing. I'm not trying to make a mountain out of mole hill, horses are unpredictable even in the best of circumstances. Thanks for taking the time to read my drama, I always appreciate your thoughtful comments.
Oh Aurora, I'm so sorry this happened! Not sure how I missed this earlier...I sure hope you don't give up. Not after everything you and your partner have been through, and how far you've come. Relationships all have their ups and downs, that's just the way they go. And trust me, I totally understand how you feel. I do. Remember me and Eagle? I'm riding him now, but still have a long way to go. Lots of room for more confidence and improvement. Rachel has had no problems. Not a single one. Nothing. That makes me feel even more like a failure with my horse. He does not have the confidence in me that he does in Rachel. But...I'm way too stubborn to give up. I love that horse and we've come a long, long way. I choose to focus on that, and keep telling myself that if I just keep working at it, spending more time with him and in the saddle, doing anything and everything, exposing both of us to new situations, that my confidence will continue to grow, which will lead to Eagle's relaxing and trusting my leadership role. I've come too far to quit, and so have you. Take some time to heal and evaluate what could have been done differently. You can't undo what happened, but you can learn from it. That's the way we usually learn best, is by having lived through something that scares the tar out of us. Sounds like it was a bad set of circumstances, Koda was scared, you became scared and it just went badly. Learn what not to do again, be thankful you weren't hurt more seriously and move past this. You can do it! Me too! :)
Thanks so much for the encouraging words Lorie!! It's not that anything that incredibly terrible happened, it's the principle of what did/didn't. I know you get it. My finger has long since healed, wish I could say the same about the rest...
Ya, those head things definitely take longer. :)
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