fear is a funny thing

You can expect it, or not. It shows up anyways. I don't know why. I tell it to go away. It listens about as well as my kids do. 

The smallest of things will make fear bubble up. Like a fly/pollen/bee/if I toss my head up and down maybe she'll stop making me work, thing. When I brought Koda in from the pasture he had an itchy nose. It didn't just develop, but he would totally add it to his bag of tricks. Unless we were doing something that required his full attention, he was flinging his head to get rid of whatever was itchy. 

So I stopped riding. Maybe I should get off? I don't want to bee flung. 

My hubby dismounts, and begins to rub and wipe the inside of Koda's nose (EWWW). I'm glad Koda enjoyed the nose cleansing. It didn't cure the itch, but made him feel better. Totally grossed me out. We all chuckled. It wasn't the nose wiping act, it was the green goopy slime left on the no longer clean sweatshirt!!

Koda really wasn't doing anything wrong (minus head tossing) so I tried to keep him busy, and his mind off being itchy. Add a trailered-in young horse learning in-hand showmanship (think owner going one direction, horse going the other) annnd I can't stop the little "what if" fear as it bubbles up. Instead, the fear bubbles bigger. Like bubble gum big. Expanding and getting clearer, about to pop and cover your face big!!

Why do I let little things bother me? I work through it in my head. Block - it - out! Doubt it's ever really gone, just squashed. I even manage to lope again. After a bunch of wrong left leads (stillll struggling...my boy is extremely right sided - but that's another post) I get three good left lope off's. It's been a long enough ride, and end on a good note.

Fast forward to the next day, it's wet and muggy. We head to the indoor arena. Last time I rode inside it was spring, and Koda ended up in training. Block - that - thought - too! Service doors are midway up, so there is open space above and below the door, the hay is gone, and there is a new cart for a mini horse in-training. 

After working through some antics while tacking Koda up, we enter the indoor arena and our conversation goes something like this: 

Me: "See the cart, don't tip it over" 

Koda: "I wonder what a cart tastes like?" 

Me: "It's not for you" 

Koda: "Does it move?"

Me: "Let's not find out. See the open door?" 

Koda: "I can see the outside!! Did you know there is an Arena out there?! A Trailer? A Round Pen? Why is this door open anyways??"

Me: "Not sure, the door is never open - and yes, I see them." They all look the same as they do every other day."

Koda: "What if a horse-eating monster pops in from outside? or a blade of grass moves??"

Me: "There are no monsters at Iron Horse. Grass & trees move, get over it"

I find something to help me crawl up on Koda, and we begin our ride. Gradually working up in gaits, and proximity, to passing the scary open door. Koda never really does forget about it, but doesn't shy. We take breaks next to the big open door, and gaze outside. Yep, everything still looks the same.

My hubby leaves the arena to swap Cierra out for Nemo, and it's just me and Koda, and kitty Belle. Shortly after, Belle disappears out the open door. I can feel Koda's wheels turning, where did she go? First Brad, then Cierra, and Belle too - where is Nemo anyways? Why am I still inside?? 

I started thinking we should play it safe and just walk/trot, nahhh - went for the lope. Past the door we went! First one side, then the other. Kinda fun having the arena to ourselves. I swear I heard my horse sigh, when Nemo & Brad joined us. I was all proud of myself, I got the "what's your point" look from the husband...he just doesn't get it. I know it wasn't a big deal, but it was to me. I'll take every confidence building success I can get, especially the ones I do on my own.

I dislike fear, and what I let it do to me or better said what it prevents me from doing. There really isn't anything funny about it. But a healthy amount does keep one safe. If that's the case, I've got nothing to fear.

no worries
Koda (L) Cierra (R)

consistency

I need it. Without consistency, self doubt rears it's ugly head. Doesn't matter if it's on the ground, or in the saddle, "it" creeps up at the silliest of times. It's amazing to me how consistency affects my confidence.

The World English Dictionary defines consistency as:

• the state or quality of holding or sticking together and retaining shape
• conformity with previous attitudes, behaviour, practice,
• an agreement or accordance with facts, form, or characteristics previously shown or stated
• an agreement or harmony between parts of something complex; compatibility
• degree of viscosity or firmness

And so, where consistency applies to horses it also applies to humans - or at least this one. When I don't get enough of it, I am not confident. 

I am blessed to be surrounded by naturals, but it's tough on us needy horse lovers. They don't get the consistency thing. At least not at the level I benefit from. Yes, I know it's not about quantity and more about quality - but when the quantity is zero, so is the quality.

It has helped to have Koda & Nemo living at home this winter. I've been doing a lot more chores then last year. Simple daily interactions make a difference. After several looong months of no riding, I was pleased how our boys handled a busy arena with fresh lunging horses. I on the other hand could have done better, towards the end of our ride I let "it" creep up. It's already been a few weeks, but I'll try harder next time. Spring is slowly getting closer and I'm looking forward to being back in the saddle again, with something that resembles consistency.

self help for your fears

I just received the October issue of Horse & Rider, and read "Self Help for your Fears" written by Melinda Folse. It had some really good points, and suggestions, for what seems to be a very common struggle.

Early in the article it gives a stat from The American Horse Council, that out of 9.2 million horses in the US, 75% are owned by women over the age of 40. Wow! That got my attention. Most likely because I fall into that category, and share in the common fear struggle.

The article talks about putting fear in it's place, the right perspective, and gives six proactive exercises. The information is adapted from the author's recently released book  "The Smart Women's Guide to Midlife Horses" . The book appears to be pitched towards new midlife horses owners, but the article isn't - it is relevant to anyone.

I found the explanation and exercises the author shared from talking with Dr. Johnson to be interesting, and real. I can see how the exercises would help one sort out emotions, with a pro-active thought process.

The exercises are written and based on these six areas of thought: Why do I ride? What are my goals? What can I do, and how well can I do it? What am I afraid of? Visualize success, and the last exercise is to Create an action plan of small, accomplishable steps. There are thought provoking questions and guidance that accompany each exercise.

If you've read the article, or the book, let me know what you think - and if the exercises helped. I would like to try them, after our boys come home.