the bend

There is a specific spot on our land that automatically shifts my perspective. It happens when I leave or come home. I don't give it much thought, it just happens.

I get into my truck and begin to drive out. Not knowing what awaits me. Wondering. How many things will get done on my never ending to-do list? Did I leave enough travel time? Do I have everything I need with me? Rounding the bend to the East, brings anticipation. It also makes me feel a bit sad. I am leaving most everything that I love exposed. Alone. To fend for themselves. Hoping the unknown never becomes an issue.

I cram as much as I can into my trips away from our little haven. People ask me all the time if I love living at our new place. Of course I do! But I don't love the drive. Unfortunately, you can't have your cake & eat it too. I think some folks are expecting me to gush. They aren't going to get a big reaction, I am more reserved. If they really knew me, they would already know the answer.

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Part of the feeling when I round the bend to leave, is that we are still working on getting completely out of our old house. Sigh. I know, I know it paints pictures of crap piled high up to the ceilings. That isn't the case, altho there is plenty of what could be considered junk. 5 peoples non-essential stuff to be exact. Three kids grew up in our old house, and I kept a lot of their things stored in the basement. Since we've moved, I only make it back once a week and do what I can with the time that I have.

I thought some day our kids would appreciate treasures from their youth. For future children of their own. If not, surely we would have grandkids that would appreciate playing with a blast from the past. Right? Wrong. Our current (young) grandkids live a couple hours away, and don't visit very often. They spend time with the other grandparents, and their cousins. Sniff. Someday we hope to have some grands from our younger kids to grow close with. Brad would love nothing more then to share his showing passion with some related littles. 

As far as appreciating things from the past, it surprises me what a person chooses to value. I am making asking our kids to go through their stored things and choose the keepers for themselves. They are so busy, it's taking an eternity. 

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Some of my trips back to reality are more pleasant then others. You have no idea *how much* I want to be completely done with this transition!! It's a frustrating personal struggle. I've given away, thrown out, or burned much of my no longer needed past things. I need to move on, for it to be over, to turn the page onto a new chapter, to put the past behind me etc etc. I want the rest of my life, and all the stuff in it, to be intentional. Not that it wasn't before, things are just different now. As I age, I find things mean less and time well spent means everything. When I round that bend to go back towards the big-little city, it's a reminder of how much has recently changed and yet how much of my lifestyle still needs to change.

The city & our home town have become nothing short of a rat race. Sooo many people, that come from everywhere but there. Traffic is horrible. Everyone is in such a big damn hurry. I find myself making a conscience effort to slow down. 

One thing for sure, after my trips into town I cannot wait to return home! To take that bend again. This time to the West. As I round the bend towards home, everything bothersome melts away. I am once again surrounded by quiet peacefulness, and every thing that is us.

yesterday's symbolic view of the bend
on yet another foggy morning
(facing east, towards the road)